Never Been the Best at This

DAY 1

Words aren’t the easiest for me. Being honest about who I am to the world tends to be a challenge for me. I rather hide behind pictures, small talk, laughs, and friends to show that I am still going each day. This is my new steps to show the world I can do it without hiding anymore. I for sure do not have all the answers to how this journey of mine is going to go but I do know I am going to try and figure it out! I know that each day won’t be easy but this will be my new escape and safe place to try and find myself while I figure it out. Writing and sharing is not easy for me because as most know I am not the best writer. Some days I won’t have words and maybe only pictures but at least I can remind myself of what I saw and help relive those feelings I felt when I took the pictures. I am forcing myself to do this  30-day challenge for no one but MYSELF! I have to TRY and speak… I have to RELEARN to fight through the pain and hard times. Some of these entries will be rougher, sad, super happy, and emotional; but will be my TRUSTEST of feelings. I have learned recently I tend to share my love with people who do not care to have it but never with MYSELF. These are my steps towards sharing myself and having reminders to help myself on the hardest of days. I can smile and help everyone in the world but I do not even like to truly look at myself in the mirror. Crazy huh? Being scared is a habit that I tend to be best at. Some people call this depression but I call it my way of coping. What am I coping with might you ask.. truly I do not know. That is what anxiety is.. nothing but the constant fear of everything and anything. I am J and I am an anxious depressed woman on a mission to not let it control me anymore.

Questions I hope to find at the end of this journey-

What is love?

How do you love?

At what point does someone stop being so afraid to love?

How do you love yourself?

How can I share my love with the world but not with myself?

Why do I not care to love myself?

Why do I choose to always be so afraid and do nothing to change it?

..and so many more. On this path, I will work to love myself and to learn to love life again. These past years I have let myself go in so many ways than one and never once did I ever think to stop and pick myself up. Never once did I think I would want to push everyone away because I had lost myself so much that I would not want to share any of my life with anyone because I was so embarrassed for anyone to see my pain, disappointment, and overall fear. I know this sounds like a sad pitty story but it is mine. It is my story, MY PITTY STORY, that I will tell because I know that if I don’t I will continue to hide. I will continue to feel as a failure and not as the person that I share with the world. I want to find myself, face my internal pain, and use what truly makes my heart happy to create the woman that I truly am to the world. This journey is just beginning and I am so scared but I also know I am the lowest I have ever felt in my life, but this one post shows me I am strong enough to start over again. I will start over again and I will show myself I am not just the depressed anxious girl behind the smile. Today and every day from now on I will learn to take life head-on even if it scares me!

 

-J