Peace out 2019, What’d up 2020

Wow.

2019 is already over. This year has not only taught me so much about myself but also about life as a whole. I have hurt this year in ways I never thought I could. I have also accomplished things I never in my life saw happening. I have lowered my pride in ways to better myself and built myself up in other means for the better. I have said some of my hardest goodbyes but some of the best hellos. I have moved and worked in ways that I never thought I could and have proved more to myself than ever thought imageable. So, instead of saying how much I was not too fond of this year or how excited I am for it to be over instead, I want to say thank you.
Thank you for showing me that loving, caring, and facing challenges will do nothing but make you stronger. Thank you for teaching me above everything to always keep moving forward because no matter how difficult life is, your heart and mental will thank you later. In 2020 I am telling myself I have no room for hate or being scared, but instead, I will continue to open my heart and mind for growth, forgiveness, and real and pure happiness. I have no place for any limitations and that if I truly set my mind to something, I can and will achieve it. I have learned as hard as life is at times to be alone; it is acceptable because that time genuinely helps you discover who you are as a person. You learn to heal from things you did not know you needed to recover from, and you learn to become nothing but stronger from it. I plan to take this mindset out of this year and into next, knowing all the amazingly beautiful things that are coming. I can be nothing but hopeful for what the future has in store for me but will not fantasize about what could happen but instead let them happen whenever the time is right.

I am genuinely thankful for the people around me for teaching me these lessons, but also for loving me enough to give me the time and space to learn it on my own. I will go into next year with small goals and with the main overall goal to continue to grow. I will continue to learn to pick and choose my battles and learn that somethings-

won’t matter in 5 years, so let them go

Simple concept but ones that will help me mold into the person I truly am and know I will be again. I most importantly want to thank myself for not giving up… as severe as life has been and as many adversities as I have faced, I am so proud of myself for not giving up. I have pushed myself to keep going no matter how hard the circumstance, and for that, I am genuinely so proud of myself! After so many years of self-hatred, I am genuinely proud of myself. True peace and love come from forgiving yourself and finally loving yourself, and that is what I WILL DO in 2020. I know it will not happen overnight and will not always be the easiest, but I will learn to do it. I have proved to myself I can make it through anything, and I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH and MASTER HOW TO LOVE MYSELF again. 2020 I know you will be great, and I’m ready to kickass through it!

To the things I leave in 2019, I thank you for the lessons you have taught me, and just because I leave them behind does not mean they are wrong; they are just not intended for my journey. My journey has just begun, and I am genuinely so excited to see where I continue to go with my path in 2020.

-J

A letter to you..

How do find the happiness within yourself after you feel as if your heart is so broken? This has been something I never handled well. Weather it is the person or myself that ends it I tend to give myself away a little easy and let it crush me so much harder. Recently I met someone that even through my questionable past made me want to give them a try.

Well I tried and obviously it didn’t work. But that has always been my problem. I set my mind to believe everyone will leave. Never do I think I am enough so in the end I always let them either walk all over me or walk out my life. &Just like the rest she walked out but something with her just always made me look at her so much differently than the rest. Every day since she has been gone, I have just wondered how I would ever respond if she ever thought or even try to come back. Instead of accepting she is gone.. I just always wondered how do you accept someone leaving and knowing that things might never come back?

One of my bigger fears…

Knowing that maybe this one time could be different but I then instead my natural reaction is to push them away. Not because I want to but, because the fear of being loved always winds up taking control.

(Something I am learning about myself in this process)  

The fear of not being good enough is something I face everyday no matter if it is with love, friends, work, or just even family. I do not know why looking in the mirror has always been so hard for me. Looking at myself knowing i’m not good enough for myself so why would I ever be good enough for anyone else. I always wonder will someone see me for who I truly am, but I am starting to realize they can’t because how could they if I cannot even see it within myself!

So this is a letter to you… the person I never could tell how I truly felt…

You are a dream! You are everything I have always wanted. You calmed my mind, heart, and soul and relaxed my mind long enough to stop asking questions for once and to finally go with the flow. You are so kind, gentle, loving, and showed me a side of myself I never knew I knew. You made me nervous in the best way and made look at life with light. Talking to you was so hard because every time I looked at you I could only think that you were all I have ever wanted. You will never know how you changed me.. you will never know how you touched my heart. You showed me what it feels like to truly have someone care about you. You will never know how you gave me hope but instead of telling you that I kept you the secret and didn’t give you nearly the honesty you deserved. I wanted you to be something and someone to me that I never fully gave you the true chance to be. I was mean when I didn’t mean to be and I hurt you not knowing how to care for you how I should have. You deserve the world! You deserve all the hugs, laugh, support and care that you at once gave me. I hate that the last words I will ever say to you is that I hate you, but I can tell you that is never been how my heart feels. It actually aches everyday knowing you will never be around again. As I was hurting you, you were building me to feel finally good enough for someone. That was never fair to you and no amount of apologizes will ever fix the hurt and pain we brought each other. A day hasn’t gone by where I can’t say I don’t miss you and don’t wish I could hear your voice again, or see your face pop up on my timeline, or even see your name across my phone. I know none of this would ever mean anything to you, so this will just forever be apart of my “pitty party story” but not a day goes by that I can’t truly say I miss you so much! To the note you will never read..  I just wish I could one day how much you meant to me.

A letter to myself…

J- you deserved to not be given up on. You deserved to be loved in a way that you would love anyone else. You should care for yourself just as you will care for the world. As much as you love the world… the world loves you back you should use that love to teach yourself to love yourself. You do not see the world as nothing but a dark place but just as she once showed you the light it is time to one day find the light again for yourself. One day the right person will come and will keep their promise not to walk right out of your life but until then you have yourself. Life will not always be so lonely, and you won’t always feel like you have no one but yourself. This journey is just one smart part of your journey! Please just know not to give up! The one who last walked away without anything but hurtful words to you I promise you will make it without them one day.

These are my letters… this is my closure. We do not always get closure how we want, but part of self-love is to know you won’t always have closure. Sometimes as much as it hurts and makes you cry… doors will close, and you cannot do nothing about it. You have to accept your own responsibility in the situation and remind yourself at the end of the day life is too short to not keep walking, smiling, and going each day. Create your own closure.

I hear each day gets easier so here’s to day one.

-J

30 days or 30 post?

After my last post I realized 30 days and 30 post in my life of craziness is a little more difficult than planned. A crazy plan that I wills still accomplish but just a little different twist than the original plan. That is life though.. sometimes things change and like I am learning that is totally ok!

I might not post here every day but I will get the 30 post out for no one but myself. With each post I grow so with the space between them I will take the time to not only master this platform more but also learn about myself and just enjoy this journey called life! As awful as I am as a writer.. keeping up with this and working on my weakness is something that I am passionate about in my new chapter of life.

“Over these past few years I haven’t truly filled ANY of my passionates to the fullest like I once did and is maybe why I have not felt complete in a long time. “

That is the past though-& I am breaking free from my past!!!!

Over these past couple days I am working hard as hell to focus on why I started this project.. {communication, really living life, and becoming not who I was but who I WANT TO BE}. Realizing over the past couple days truly the smallest things fill the biggest holes. Over the past couple days..

I have sat down and actually opened up about my life

I have focused on myself

I have enterally battled what I want to do and what I NEED to do to better myself, my mind, my life, and over all my well-being… (HEAVY I KNOW- said this might be)

&Instead of partying and handling things in a toxic way I choose to finally put myself first and start facing the things that I truly NEED to change for myself. Spending time with a sober mind to clear my head and heart instead of coating my body with fillers to past the time away to avoid facing what is truly going on in my life.

Why do we hide feelings though? A question I do not know the real answer to but something I have always programmed my mind to do.

NOT HEALTHY

I tell myself this is why I do not know how to handle feelings well because I never face them. I don’t speak on this instead I just sit cry and let them build up in me until the end of time. Well, I am facing them and it actually feels good. I have been waking wanting to try and knowing I can make it through anything if I at least try. Sounds so simple but not knowing the outcome has always been the scariest part for myself. Well, I am tried of being scared and working away from being scared of everything.. instead I WILL work on moving forward knowing whatever the outcome that is what was meant for me. *WHOA NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THAT*

This is me.. I am moving forward and I can tell you so far it is scary as HELL but these next steps feel so good.

&Just some words that have stuck with me over these past couple days..

TALK slower, LISTEN MORE, laugh different, SMILE often, and cry if you need. The tears just open up more space in your heart for joy.

-J

Never Been the Best at This

DAY 1

Words aren’t the easiest for me. Being honest about who I am to the world tends to be a challenge for me. I rather hide behind pictures, small talk, laughs, and friends to show that I am still going each day. This is my new steps to show the world I can do it without hiding anymore. I for sure do not have all the answers to how this journey of mine is going to go but I do know I am going to try and figure it out! I know that each day won’t be easy but this will be my new escape and safe place to try and find myself while I figure it out. Writing and sharing is not easy for me because as most know I am not the best writer. Some days I won’t have words and maybe only pictures but at least I can remind myself of what I saw and help relive those feelings I felt when I took the pictures. I am forcing myself to do this  30-day challenge for no one but MYSELF! I have to TRY and speak… I have to RELEARN to fight through the pain and hard times. Some of these entries will be rougher, sad, super happy, and emotional; but will be my TRUSTEST of feelings. I have learned recently I tend to share my love with people who do not care to have it but never with MYSELF. These are my steps towards sharing myself and having reminders to help myself on the hardest of days. I can smile and help everyone in the world but I do not even like to truly look at myself in the mirror. Crazy huh? Being scared is a habit that I tend to be best at. Some people call this depression but I call it my way of coping. What am I coping with might you ask.. truly I do not know. That is what anxiety is.. nothing but the constant fear of everything and anything. I am J and I am an anxious depressed woman on a mission to not let it control me anymore.

Questions I hope to find at the end of this journey-

What is love?

How do you love?

At what point does someone stop being so afraid to love?

How do you love yourself?

How can I share my love with the world but not with myself?

Why do I not care to love myself?

Why do I choose to always be so afraid and do nothing to change it?

..and so many more. On this path, I will work to love myself and to learn to love life again. These past years I have let myself go in so many ways than one and never once did I ever think to stop and pick myself up. Never once did I think I would want to push everyone away because I had lost myself so much that I would not want to share any of my life with anyone because I was so embarrassed for anyone to see my pain, disappointment, and overall fear. I know this sounds like a sad pitty story but it is mine. It is my story, MY PITTY STORY, that I will tell because I know that if I don’t I will continue to hide. I will continue to feel as a failure and not as the person that I share with the world. I want to find myself, face my internal pain, and use what truly makes my heart happy to create the woman that I truly am to the world. This journey is just beginning and I am so scared but I also know I am the lowest I have ever felt in my life, but this one post shows me I am strong enough to start over again. I will start over again and I will show myself I am not just the depressed anxious girl behind the smile. Today and every day from now on I will learn to take life head-on even if it scares me!

 

-J