How do find the happiness within yourself after you feel as if your heart is so broken? This has been something I never handled well. Weather it is the person or myself that ends it I tend to give myself away a little easy and let it crush me so much harder. Recently I met someone that even through my questionable past made me want to give them a try.
Well I tried and obviously it didn’t work. But that has always been my problem. I set my mind to believe everyone will leave. Never do I think I am enough so in the end I always let them either walk all over me or walk out my life. &Just like the rest she walked out but something with her just always made me look at her so much differently than the rest. Every day since she has been gone, I have just wondered how I would ever respond if she ever thought or even try to come back. Instead of accepting she is gone.. I just always wondered how do you accept someone leaving and knowing that things might never come back?
One of my bigger fears…
Knowing that maybe this one time could be different but I then instead my natural reaction is to push them away. Not because I want to but, because the fear of being loved always winds up taking control.
(Something I am learning about myself in this process)
The fear of not being good enough is something I face everyday no matter if it is with love, friends, work, or just even family. I do not know why looking in the mirror has always been so hard for me. Looking at myself knowing i’m not good enough for myself so why would I ever be good enough for anyone else. I always wonder will someone see me for who I truly am, but I am starting to realize they can’t because how could they if I cannot even see it within myself!
So this is a letter to you… the person I never could tell how I truly felt…
You are a dream! You are everything I have always wanted. You calmed my mind, heart, and soul and relaxed my mind long enough to stop asking questions for once and to finally go with the flow. You are so kind, gentle, loving, and showed me a side of myself I never knew I knew. You made me nervous in the best way and made look at life with light. Talking to you was so hard because every time I looked at you I could only think that you were all I have ever wanted. You will never know how you changed me.. you will never know how you touched my heart. You showed me what it feels like to truly have someone care about you. You will never know how you gave me hope but instead of telling you that I kept you the secret and didn’t give you nearly the honesty you deserved. I wanted you to be something and someone to me that I never fully gave you the true chance to be. I was mean when I didn’t mean to be and I hurt you not knowing how to care for you how I should have. You deserve the world! You deserve all the hugs, laugh, support and care that you at once gave me. I hate that the last words I will ever say to you is that I hate you, but I can tell you that is never been how my heart feels. It actually aches everyday knowing you will never be around again. As I was hurting you, you were building me to feel finally good enough for someone. That was never fair to you and no amount of apologizes will ever fix the hurt and pain we brought each other. A day hasn’t gone by where I can’t say I don’t miss you and don’t wish I could hear your voice again, or see your face pop up on my timeline, or even see your name across my phone. I know none of this would ever mean anything to you, so this will just forever be apart of my “pitty party story” but not a day goes by that I can’t truly say I miss you so much! To the note you will never read.. I just wish I could one day how much you meant to me.
A letter to myself…
J- you deserved to not be given up on. You deserved to be loved in a way that you would love anyone else. You should care for yourself just as you will care for the world. As much as you love the world… the world loves you back you should use that love to teach yourself to love yourself. You do not see the world as nothing but a dark place but just as she once showed you the light it is time to one day find the light again for yourself. One day the right person will come and will keep their promise not to walk right out of your life but until then you have yourself. Life will not always be so lonely, and you won’t always feel like you have no one but yourself. This journey is just one smart part of your journey! Please just know not to give up! The one who last walked away without anything but hurtful words to you I promise you will make it without them one day.
These are my letters… this is my closure. We do not always get closure how we want, but part of self-love is to know you won’t always have closure. Sometimes as much as it hurts and makes you cry… doors will close, and you cannot do nothing about it. You have to accept your own responsibility in the situation and remind yourself at the end of the day life is too short to not keep walking, smiling, and going each day. Create your own closure.
I hear each day gets easier so here’s to day one.
-J
jodora 